When I hadn't heard from the clinic by 10am I took it upon myself to call them. I talked to the nurse I'd been dealing with all along there at High Risk, and she's been really nice thus far but she was a bit of a snot today. I said I didn't want to be a pest but wanted to know if I was to be seen tomorrow. She checked with the doc and he said they wanted to wait a week to see if anything changed, if 2.7cm was just my measurement or if something is changing. I told her, "well, no, I was 3.2 two weeks ago. So in two weeks I've gone from 3.2 to 2.7, and I've already had four losses which is why I don't want to wait." Sounds reasonable, right, and they were misinformed as to what is going on with me. Her response? A sarcastic "OH-Kaaaaay! Well I'll just put that you could NOT wait." Wow, someone needs a xanax. Or a swift kick to the ass. I just cheerily said, "ok". She said "my medical advice is to wait" (as if I care at this point what her medical advice is) "but if you really want I can schedule you tomorrow. Don't be surprised if they want to see you again next week." I again cheerily replied, "that's fine" and really it is, something is going on and the closer I'm monitored the better. I'm already in so deep financially with this I can't even stress about it anymore, whatever gets Tristan here safe. That nurse must have said four or five times she could schedule me for the next day, almost trying to talk me out of it. I kept my cool on the phone but was getting exceedingly irritated. What is the matter with the health care industry around here? When I was a pharmacy tech and worked at the hospital in the trauma call center speaking to patients and parents with routine issues to life threatening emergencies I never, ever, EVER spoke to patients the way the people at my two OB clinics have spoken to me (even when the patients were obnoxious or flat out rude). Because it's nothing personal, and they are sick and scared and uncomfortable and need help. Sure, there have been nice people I've dealt with throughout this ordeal. But there have by far and away been many more rude staff. This is not in my head, I'm not imagining my cervix shortening, I didn't make up my cancer and subsequent LEEP surgery, and I certainly didn't dream that I miscarried four babies.
Dan's boss actually gave him the afternoon off so he can go with me. Which I was really hoping for, we really both need to be there for this appointment to find out what is going on, what our treatments are and what we can expect.
I need to take a deep breath, all this stress is not helping.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
First day of bed rest
So last night Dan got the big flat screen moved into the bedroom, we moved the cable box, modem and PS3 too. I've got a few shakes and bars in here for the day, and my laptop. This weekend we're getting a big cooler from Dan's mom to put nutritious snacks in so that I'm not subsisting on bars and pre-packaged shakes simply because they're accessible and portable. Not adequate nutrition for Tristan, or me for that matter.
I wrote up a big email to my mom and good friend Shannon asking for help with the grocery shopping and possibly cooking up some easy dinners that will store well so that Dan doesn't have to worry about cooking after working 12 hours. I worry so much what all this extra stress and pressure will do to him. He's already so tired from his 2-2.5 hour a day commutes and 10 long hours on his feet all day, non-stop on the go work.
If I ever complain about my husband it's because I'm spoiled, because I can't imagine anyone being as amazing about all of this as he is. He doesn't complain, he just does it. If he's tired he doesn't say anything, he just puts a smile on his face, gives me a kiss and says, "ok".
I had a horrifying nightmare last night that I went into labor and delivered my baby. No one was around, it was just me and I held my baby, felt their heart beat and then they died in my arms. I was screaming for help but no one came. I was sobbing in the dream so hard I woke myself up crying. I know this is just my fears playing out in my dreams, but it was so vivid that I had an extremely difficult time falling back asleep.
This morning Tristan has kicked and poked me several times, and I saw either his little foot or fist push my stomach way up. I love this little boy so much. Please just let this bed rest work.
I'm waiting to hear back this morning if I'm going in tomorrow for another ultrasound and to assess whether I have to have a cerclage (I don't see how I'm going to avoid it at this point given my history). I just pray if I do there are no complications.
I wrote up a big email to my mom and good friend Shannon asking for help with the grocery shopping and possibly cooking up some easy dinners that will store well so that Dan doesn't have to worry about cooking after working 12 hours. I worry so much what all this extra stress and pressure will do to him. He's already so tired from his 2-2.5 hour a day commutes and 10 long hours on his feet all day, non-stop on the go work.
If I ever complain about my husband it's because I'm spoiled, because I can't imagine anyone being as amazing about all of this as he is. He doesn't complain, he just does it. If he's tired he doesn't say anything, he just puts a smile on his face, gives me a kiss and says, "ok".
I had a horrifying nightmare last night that I went into labor and delivered my baby. No one was around, it was just me and I held my baby, felt their heart beat and then they died in my arms. I was screaming for help but no one came. I was sobbing in the dream so hard I woke myself up crying. I know this is just my fears playing out in my dreams, but it was so vivid that I had an extremely difficult time falling back asleep.
This morning Tristan has kicked and poked me several times, and I saw either his little foot or fist push my stomach way up. I love this little boy so much. Please just let this bed rest work.
I'm waiting to hear back this morning if I'm going in tomorrow for another ultrasound and to assess whether I have to have a cerclage (I don't see how I'm going to avoid it at this point given my history). I just pray if I do there are no complications.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Guess I spoke too soon.
Not ten minutes after my last blog entry I got call, without warning yet again, from High Risk OB/Perinatology. I have now been fully transferred to high risk. I was sent home yesterday and was told everything was "good".
Well, everything is not good. In less than two weeks my cervix has shortened 5mm, or half a centimeter. It went from 3.2 to 2.7. Have I mentioned I abhor Kaiser? Perinatology couldn't give me specifics of why I was referred, so I actually didn't even know about my cervix while I was setting the appointment up. Then I called regular OB and had to sit on the phone for 20 minutes waiting for someone to answer, and then was told about my cervix.
I'm not being seen until next Thursday, although I'm supposed to get a call back tomorrow to find out if I can be seen Friday because I'm scared if we wait too long it will be at the risk of my son and his safety. It's hard to have any confidence in them, they have mismanaged my care so much thus far.
I'm wishing and praying and hoping I make it to at least 36 weeks if not full term, the alternative is almost incomprehensible. I have never been so scared about anything in my life as I am of losing my son.
Well, everything is not good. In less than two weeks my cervix has shortened 5mm, or half a centimeter. It went from 3.2 to 2.7. Have I mentioned I abhor Kaiser? Perinatology couldn't give me specifics of why I was referred, so I actually didn't even know about my cervix while I was setting the appointment up. Then I called regular OB and had to sit on the phone for 20 minutes waiting for someone to answer, and then was told about my cervix.
I'm not being seen until next Thursday, although I'm supposed to get a call back tomorrow to find out if I can be seen Friday because I'm scared if we wait too long it will be at the risk of my son and his safety. It's hard to have any confidence in them, they have mismanaged my care so much thus far.
I'm wishing and praying and hoping I make it to at least 36 weeks if not full term, the alternative is almost incomprehensible. I have never been so scared about anything in my life as I am of losing my son.
Phew, WHADDA week!
What a roller coaster this last week (and a half) has been. First I got a major scare because my cervix is only 3.2cm. It should be between 3.5 and 4cm. So I had to come in on an urgent appointment and be looked at. No evidence of amniotic fluid, cervix was closed. I'm given the all clear. They chalk it up to having my LEEP procedure to remove the cancerous cells several years ago. Because they neglected to get a baseline scan at my 8 week ultrasound they're not sure if it means my cervix is shortening or if that's just how long it is from the LEEP.
Well then, this past Monday rolls around and I get a call from Perinatology (high risk OB) letting me know I've been given a referral there. Um...excuse me? I wasn't told about any of this, so not only was I shocked and scared but understandably pissed. But this is Kaiser and it's kind of their MO, the patient is the very last to know and is rarely in the loop.
Well, perinatology felt my regular OB wasn't taking all the cramping and pressure I've been experiencing seriously, so they wanted another exam and ultrasound to measure cervical length done. So I'm sent into a panic for the second time in less than 10 days. I'm scheduled for 5:15pm the next day. Dan can't go because of his boss (hate that man, hate 'im!) so I'm going alone.
The next morning I get a call from OB saying they don't want to wait all day to see me (couldn't they have figured this out the day prior?) and to come immediately (which I do, and then sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes...needless to say I was not a happy camper). I finally get taken back, Tristan's heartbeat is strong and in the 150's. No evidence of amniotic fluid or dilation but they want an ultrasound for cervical length. Oh, but they can't fit me in that morning so I have to go home only to come back at 3:15pm.
Really, I'm glad everything worked out the way it did because I got a fantastic ultrasound tech who was just as enamored with Tristan as I was. We got several new pictures of his profile, I got to see how much chubbier he's getting, he was touching his face, put his thumb in his mouth and kicked around a bunch. It was such a relief to see that flicker of his heartbeat. I can't stop staring at his photos, and I had to choke back tears in the waiting room. He's the most beautiful and precious thing I've ever seen, and I can't believe this tiny, fragile creature is mine and I made him. Dan and I made this little person.
Then I had to wait in the waiting room while they interpreted the scans of my cervix. I wasn't told the length but they said it was long and closed. S-I-G-H spells relief.
Now if they go back on this a third time and change their minds yet again I think I'm going to have a meltdown of epic proportions. I do have to be seen every two weeks now, and the Perinatology nurse is going to be checking in with me every Monday to see about my symptoms and how I'm doing. I love the gals at Perinatology and wish I could just be seen there, they understand what this is like so much better than the overloaded, curt snots at OB.
I am 20 weeks and 5 days today. I can't believe Thanksgiving in is just two weeks! Oh, and I discovered milk leaking from my chesticles for real today, like gushing out. I just stood there, shocked, a little repulsed and happy all at the same time. Each little thing that solidifies this is real and in a few short months I will be a mommy is pretty damn cool.
Well then, this past Monday rolls around and I get a call from Perinatology (high risk OB) letting me know I've been given a referral there. Um...excuse me? I wasn't told about any of this, so not only was I shocked and scared but understandably pissed. But this is Kaiser and it's kind of their MO, the patient is the very last to know and is rarely in the loop.
Well, perinatology felt my regular OB wasn't taking all the cramping and pressure I've been experiencing seriously, so they wanted another exam and ultrasound to measure cervical length done. So I'm sent into a panic for the second time in less than 10 days. I'm scheduled for 5:15pm the next day. Dan can't go because of his boss (hate that man, hate 'im!) so I'm going alone.
The next morning I get a call from OB saying they don't want to wait all day to see me (couldn't they have figured this out the day prior?) and to come immediately (which I do, and then sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes...needless to say I was not a happy camper). I finally get taken back, Tristan's heartbeat is strong and in the 150's. No evidence of amniotic fluid or dilation but they want an ultrasound for cervical length. Oh, but they can't fit me in that morning so I have to go home only to come back at 3:15pm.
Really, I'm glad everything worked out the way it did because I got a fantastic ultrasound tech who was just as enamored with Tristan as I was. We got several new pictures of his profile, I got to see how much chubbier he's getting, he was touching his face, put his thumb in his mouth and kicked around a bunch. It was such a relief to see that flicker of his heartbeat. I can't stop staring at his photos, and I had to choke back tears in the waiting room. He's the most beautiful and precious thing I've ever seen, and I can't believe this tiny, fragile creature is mine and I made him. Dan and I made this little person.
 |
| He was gulping here. |
Then I had to wait in the waiting room while they interpreted the scans of my cervix. I wasn't told the length but they said it was long and closed. S-I-G-H spells relief.
Now if they go back on this a third time and change their minds yet again I think I'm going to have a meltdown of epic proportions. I do have to be seen every two weeks now, and the Perinatology nurse is going to be checking in with me every Monday to see about my symptoms and how I'm doing. I love the gals at Perinatology and wish I could just be seen there, they understand what this is like so much better than the overloaded, curt snots at OB.
I am 20 weeks and 5 days today. I can't believe Thanksgiving in is just two weeks! Oh, and I discovered milk leaking from my chesticles for real today, like gushing out. I just stood there, shocked, a little repulsed and happy all at the same time. Each little thing that solidifies this is real and in a few short months I will be a mommy is pretty damn cool.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Completely not baby related
But so damn funny tears were streaming down my face by the time I was done reading.
This is exactly my sense of humor. It's a wonder I don't hysterically laugh at myself when speaking, because this is pretty much to a "T" what I sound like.
IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
This is exactly my sense of humor. It's a wonder I don't hysterically laugh at myself when speaking, because this is pretty much to a "T" what I sound like.
IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Friday, November 05, 2010
Headaches
This little man is lucky I love him so darn much, because my head has been fighting an epic battle with my body all week. The muscles in my neck are fully FUBAR'd, and I have been getting headaches so blinding they make my left eye burn and water, I get searing pain shooting over the top of my head, and not a whole lot relieves them.
On top of that, Tristan has decided the very base of my uterus is his home, and my cervix his pillow. He moves outta there every once in a while (like last night when at 3am I got up to use the facilities and upon returning to bed and cuddling up to my body pillow I noticed it felt like a bowling ball pressed into the left upper half of my stomach-- guess he was curled up there like a squirrel).
I have noticed movement every day this week, after his auspicious kicking debut last week and then three days of nothing that scared the bejeezus outta me. Not to mention the whole cervix shortening scare, that should have never been a scare and Kaiser's radiology MD's are simply morons who never read anyone's charts and therefore scare the hell out of patients for no reason. I tell ya, I will be so relieved when this baby is born, because I truly have been so unhappy with Kaiser for a couple years now. They do an awful job of managing my health, and if I'm not lodged up their butt I fall through the cracks. And even then they screw things up. It scares me to think these people will be in charge of my infant's healthcare, but I did a lot of research and picked who I felt was the best pediatrician available for Tristan. I hope Dan's work will get away from Kaiser, especially since our deductible just went UP and so did our premiums. We are quite literally paying for nothing, we have no stop loss so we pay 20% on everything. This is how people go bankrupt.
Guess that's why after the baby is born we are indeed going to have to file bankruptcy. When we first started trying for a baby our finances were in a much better place. Part of the reason we stopped trying, aside from the two horrible miscarriages, was finances started to slide a bit. Now with me not returning to work because we don't want Tris in daycare (and really I'd be working just to put him in daycare anyway so what's the point?) and Dan racking up a mountain of debt when he was young and mishandled his credit cards (we have all been there, maybe not with credit cards but certainly we had our screw ups financially) our only option to keep our heads above water is to file. And really once we do that we will be absolutely fine, we'll have more than enough money to get all our bills paid each month, have money for gas and food and even entertainment (which once we have a baby here will become a foreign concept).
It may sound crazy, but I truly can't wait for that. The sleepless nights, the diapers, staying home with my little one all the time. I've waited for this for so long, and to finally have it happen...needless to say I've been a little scared waiting for the other shoe to drop but the farther along I get the more I realize that's not going to happen, because I finally am happy and have a wonderful husband who will be a terrific father and an awesome support system for me (since he has been from day one).
Sometimes I feel like this is a dream!
On top of that, Tristan has decided the very base of my uterus is his home, and my cervix his pillow. He moves outta there every once in a while (like last night when at 3am I got up to use the facilities and upon returning to bed and cuddling up to my body pillow I noticed it felt like a bowling ball pressed into the left upper half of my stomach-- guess he was curled up there like a squirrel).
I have noticed movement every day this week, after his auspicious kicking debut last week and then three days of nothing that scared the bejeezus outta me. Not to mention the whole cervix shortening scare, that should have never been a scare and Kaiser's radiology MD's are simply morons who never read anyone's charts and therefore scare the hell out of patients for no reason. I tell ya, I will be so relieved when this baby is born, because I truly have been so unhappy with Kaiser for a couple years now. They do an awful job of managing my health, and if I'm not lodged up their butt I fall through the cracks. And even then they screw things up. It scares me to think these people will be in charge of my infant's healthcare, but I did a lot of research and picked who I felt was the best pediatrician available for Tristan. I hope Dan's work will get away from Kaiser, especially since our deductible just went UP and so did our premiums. We are quite literally paying for nothing, we have no stop loss so we pay 20% on everything. This is how people go bankrupt.
Guess that's why after the baby is born we are indeed going to have to file bankruptcy. When we first started trying for a baby our finances were in a much better place. Part of the reason we stopped trying, aside from the two horrible miscarriages, was finances started to slide a bit. Now with me not returning to work because we don't want Tris in daycare (and really I'd be working just to put him in daycare anyway so what's the point?) and Dan racking up a mountain of debt when he was young and mishandled his credit cards (we have all been there, maybe not with credit cards but certainly we had our screw ups financially) our only option to keep our heads above water is to file. And really once we do that we will be absolutely fine, we'll have more than enough money to get all our bills paid each month, have money for gas and food and even entertainment (which once we have a baby here will become a foreign concept).
It may sound crazy, but I truly can't wait for that. The sleepless nights, the diapers, staying home with my little one all the time. I've waited for this for so long, and to finally have it happen...needless to say I've been a little scared waiting for the other shoe to drop but the farther along I get the more I realize that's not going to happen, because I finally am happy and have a wonderful husband who will be a terrific father and an awesome support system for me (since he has been from day one).
Sometimes I feel like this is a dream!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
We have a boy, ladies and jellyspoons!
Yes, indeed, Dan put the stem on the apple.
The tech asked us if we wanted to know the gender and when we said yes, well, Dan had barely sat down before she said, "It's a boy." It took us both so by surprise that Dan started uncontrollably laughing. I of course started crying, just a few tears, nothing nuts.
Tristan James was less than cooperative the rest of the ultrasound. He had his hands over his face and was wedged into some weird position like a picture taken of him trying to do a somersault just as his legs got up over his head. His chin was mashed to his chest and he didn't seem real interested in moving. The tech even dumped my bed halfway upside down and poked him a bunch, but all he did was swat the air (or amniotic fluid, rather) as if to say, " 'Ey! I'm sleepin' in heeyah!" He is our son already.
He's measuring ahead on his head and torso but short on his legs, and therefore I can already tell he has Dan's body. Long torso, stumpy legs, big head.
I am so in love with my son it's ridiculous. I wish it wasn't 5 months until I can hold him in my arms, but I know since this is the only pregnancy we plan on having I better cherish all the kicks and even the discomfort because it will be over before I know it.
Now all the fun shopping can begin!
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| I love how it just says "GENDER" with an arrow, no "BOY". Pretty obvious, really |
Tristan James was less than cooperative the rest of the ultrasound. He had his hands over his face and was wedged into some weird position like a picture taken of him trying to do a somersault just as his legs got up over his head. His chin was mashed to his chest and he didn't seem real interested in moving. The tech even dumped my bed halfway upside down and poked him a bunch, but all he did was swat the air (or amniotic fluid, rather) as if to say, " 'Ey! I'm sleepin' in heeyah!" He is our son already.
He's measuring ahead on his head and torso but short on his legs, and therefore I can already tell he has Dan's body. Long torso, stumpy legs, big head.
I am so in love with my son it's ridiculous. I wish it wasn't 5 months until I can hold him in my arms, but I know since this is the only pregnancy we plan on having I better cherish all the kicks and even the discomfort because it will be over before I know it.
Now all the fun shopping can begin!
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| SKELETOR! I love his little eye up there. |
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| Wavin' his lil butt in the air. I can't wait to pinch that little tushy. |
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