Being seen tomorrow!

When I hadn't heard from the clinic by 10am I took it upon myself to call them. I talked to the nurse I'd been dealing with all along there at High Risk, and she's been really nice thus far but she was a bit of a snot today. I said I didn't want to be a pest but wanted to know if I was to be seen tomorrow. She checked with the doc and he said they wanted to wait a week to see if anything changed, if 2.7cm was just my measurement or if something is changing. I told her, "well, no, I was 3.2 two weeks ago. So in two weeks I've gone from 3.2 to 2.7, and I've already had four losses which is why I don't want to wait." Sounds reasonable, right, and they were misinformed as to what is going on with me. Her response? A sarcastic "OH-Kaaaaay! Well I'll just put that you could NOT wait." Wow, someone needs a xanax. Or a swift kick to the ass. I just cheerily said, "ok". She said "my medical advice is to wait" (as if I care at this point what her medical advice is) "but if you really want I can schedule you tomorrow. Don't be surprised if they want to see you again next week." I again cheerily replied, "that's fine" and really it is, something is going on and the closer I'm monitored the better. I'm already in so deep financially with this I can't even stress about it anymore, whatever gets Tristan here safe. That nurse must have said four or five times she could schedule me for the next day, almost trying to talk me out of it. I kept my cool on the phone but was getting exceedingly irritated. What is the matter with the health care industry around here? When I was a pharmacy tech and worked at the hospital in the trauma call center speaking to patients and parents with routine issues to life threatening emergencies I never, ever, EVER spoke to patients the way the people at my two OB clinics have spoken to me (even when the patients were obnoxious or flat out rude). Because it's nothing personal, and they are sick and scared and uncomfortable and need help. Sure, there have been nice people I've dealt with throughout this ordeal. But there have by far and away been many more rude staff. This is not in my head, I'm not imagining my cervix shortening, I didn't make up my cancer and subsequent LEEP surgery, and I certainly didn't dream that I miscarried four babies.

Dan's boss actually gave him the afternoon off so he can go with me. Which I was really hoping for, we really both need to be there for this appointment to find out what is going on, what our treatments are and what we can expect.

I need to take a deep breath, all this stress is not helping.

First day of bed rest

So last night Dan got the big flat screen moved into the bedroom, we moved the cable box, modem and PS3 too. I've got a few shakes and bars in here for the day, and my laptop.  This weekend we're getting a big cooler from Dan's mom to put nutritious snacks in so that I'm not subsisting on bars and pre-packaged shakes simply because they're accessible and portable. Not adequate nutrition for Tristan, or me for that matter.

I wrote up a big email to my mom and good friend Shannon asking for help with the grocery shopping and possibly cooking up some easy dinners that will store well so that Dan doesn't have to worry about cooking after working 12 hours. I worry so much what all this extra stress and pressure will do to him. He's already so tired from his 2-2.5 hour a day commutes and 10 long hours on his feet all day, non-stop on the go work.

If I ever complain about my husband it's because I'm spoiled, because I can't imagine anyone being as amazing about all of this as he is. He doesn't complain, he just does it. If he's tired he doesn't say anything, he just puts a smile on his face, gives me a kiss and says, "ok".

I had a horrifying nightmare last night that I went into labor and delivered my baby. No one was around, it was just me and I held my baby, felt their heart beat and then they died in my arms. I was screaming for help but no one came. I was sobbing in the dream so hard I woke myself up crying. I know this is just my fears playing out in my dreams, but it was so vivid that I had an extremely difficult time falling back asleep.

This morning Tristan has kicked and poked me several times, and I saw either his little foot or fist push my stomach way up. I love this little boy so much. Please just let this bed rest work.

I'm waiting to hear back this morning if I'm going in tomorrow for another ultrasound and to assess whether I have to have a cerclage (I don't see how I'm going to avoid it at this point given my history). I just pray if I do there are no complications.

Guess I spoke too soon.

Not ten minutes after my last blog entry I got call, without warning yet again, from High Risk OB/Perinatology. I have now been fully transferred to high risk. I was sent home yesterday and was told everything was "good".

Well, everything is not good. In less than two weeks my cervix has shortened 5mm, or half a centimeter. It went from 3.2 to 2.7. Have I mentioned I abhor Kaiser? Perinatology couldn't give me specifics of why I was referred, so I actually didn't even know about my cervix while I was setting the appointment up. Then I called regular OB and had to sit on the phone for 20 minutes waiting for someone to answer, and then was told about my cervix.

I'm not being seen until next Thursday, although I'm supposed to get a call back tomorrow to find out if I can be seen Friday because I'm scared if we wait too long it will be at the risk of my son and his safety. It's hard to have any confidence in them, they have mismanaged my care so much thus far.

I'm wishing and praying and hoping I make it to at least 36 weeks if not full term, the alternative is almost incomprehensible. I have never been so scared about anything in my life as I am of losing my son.

Phew, WHADDA week!

What a roller coaster this last week (and a half) has been. First I got a major scare because my cervix is only 3.2cm. It should be between 3.5 and 4cm. So I had to come in on an urgent appointment and be looked at. No evidence of amniotic fluid, cervix was closed. I'm given the all clear. They chalk it up to having my LEEP procedure to remove the cancerous cells several years ago. Because they neglected to get a baseline scan at my 8 week ultrasound they're not sure if it means my cervix is shortening or if that's just how long it is from the LEEP.

Well then, this past Monday rolls around and I get a call from Perinatology (high risk OB) letting me know I've been given a referral there. Um...excuse me? I wasn't told about any of this, so not only was I shocked and scared but understandably pissed. But this is Kaiser and it's kind of their MO, the patient is the very last to know and is rarely in the loop.

Well, perinatology felt my regular OB wasn't taking all the cramping and pressure I've been experiencing seriously, so they wanted another exam and ultrasound to measure cervical length done. So I'm sent into a panic for the second time in less than 10 days. I'm scheduled for 5:15pm the next day. Dan can't go because of his boss (hate that man, hate 'im!) so I'm going alone.

The next morning I get a call from OB saying they don't want to wait all day to see me (couldn't they have figured this out the day prior?) and to come immediately (which I do, and then sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes...needless to say I was not a happy camper). I finally get taken back, Tristan's heartbeat is strong and in the 150's. No evidence of amniotic fluid or dilation but they want an ultrasound for cervical length. Oh, but they can't fit me in that morning so I have to go home only to come back at 3:15pm.

Really, I'm glad everything worked out the way it did because I got a fantastic ultrasound tech who was just as enamored with Tristan as I was. We got several new pictures of his profile, I got to see how much chubbier he's getting, he was touching his face, put his thumb in his mouth and kicked around a bunch. It was such a relief to see that flicker of his heartbeat. I can't stop staring at his photos, and I had to choke back tears in the waiting room. He's the most beautiful and precious thing I've ever seen, and I can't believe this tiny, fragile creature is mine and I made him. Dan and I made this little person.

He was gulping here.

Then I had to wait in the waiting room while they interpreted the scans of my cervix. I wasn't told the length but they said it was long and closed. S-I-G-H spells relief.

Now if they go back on this a third time and change their minds yet again I think I'm going to have a meltdown of epic proportions. I do have to be seen every two weeks now, and the Perinatology nurse is going to be checking in with me every Monday to see about my symptoms and how I'm doing. I love the gals at Perinatology and wish I could just be seen there, they understand what this is like so much better than the overloaded, curt snots at OB.

I am 20 weeks and 5 days today. I can't believe Thanksgiving in is just two weeks! Oh, and I discovered milk leaking from my chesticles for real today, like gushing out. I just stood there, shocked, a little repulsed and happy all at the same time. Each little thing that solidifies this is real and in a few short months I will be a mommy is pretty damn cool.

Completely not baby related

But so damn funny tears were streaming down my face by the time I was done reading.

This is exactly my sense of humor. It's a wonder I don't hysterically laugh at myself when speaking, because this is pretty much to a "T" what I sound like.

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Headaches

This little man is lucky I love him so darn much, because my head has been fighting an epic battle with my body all week. The muscles in my neck are fully FUBAR'd, and I have been getting headaches so blinding they make my left eye burn and water, I get searing pain shooting over the top of my head, and not a whole lot relieves them.

On top of that, Tristan has decided the very base of my uterus is his home, and my cervix his pillow. He moves outta there every once in a while (like last night when at 3am I got up to use the facilities and upon returning to bed and cuddling up to my body pillow I noticed it felt like a bowling ball pressed into the left upper half of my stomach-- guess he was curled up there like a squirrel).

I have noticed movement every day this week, after his auspicious kicking debut last week and then three days of nothing that scared the bejeezus outta me. Not to mention the whole cervix shortening scare, that should have never been a scare and Kaiser's radiology MD's are simply morons who never read anyone's charts and therefore scare the hell out of patients for no reason. I tell ya, I will be so relieved when this baby is born, because I truly have been so unhappy with Kaiser for a couple years now. They do an awful job of managing my health, and if I'm not lodged up their butt I fall through the cracks. And even then they screw things up. It scares me to think these people will be in charge of my infant's healthcare, but I did a lot of research and picked who I felt was the best pediatrician available for Tristan. I hope Dan's work will get away from Kaiser, especially since our deductible just went UP and so did our premiums. We are quite literally paying for nothing, we have no stop loss so we pay 20% on everything. This is how people go bankrupt.

Guess that's why after the baby is born we are indeed going to have to file bankruptcy. When we first started trying for a baby our finances were in a much better place. Part of the reason we stopped trying, aside from the two horrible miscarriages, was finances started to slide a bit. Now with me not returning to work because we don't want Tris in daycare (and really I'd be working just to put him in daycare anyway so what's the point?) and Dan racking up a mountain of debt when he was young and mishandled his credit cards (we have all been there, maybe not with credit cards but certainly we had our screw ups financially) our only option to keep our heads above water is to file. And really once we do that we will be absolutely fine, we'll have more than enough money to get all our bills paid each month, have money for gas and food and even entertainment (which once we have a baby here will become a foreign concept).

It may sound crazy, but I truly can't wait for that. The sleepless nights, the diapers, staying home with my little one all the time. I've waited for this for so long, and to finally have it happen...needless to say I've been a little scared waiting for the other shoe to drop but the farther along I get the more I realize that's not going to happen, because I finally am happy and have a wonderful husband who will be a terrific father and an awesome support system for me (since he has been from day one).

Sometimes I feel like this is a dream!

We have a boy, ladies and jellyspoons!

Yes, indeed, Dan put the stem on the apple.

I love how it just says "GENDER" with an arrow, no "BOY". Pretty obvious, really

The tech asked us if we wanted to know the gender and when we said yes, well, Dan had barely sat down before she said, "It's a boy." It took us both so by surprise that Dan started uncontrollably laughing. I of course started crying, just a few tears, nothing nuts.

Tristan James was less than cooperative the rest of the ultrasound. He had his hands over his face and was wedged into some weird position like a picture taken of him trying to do a somersault just as his legs got up over his head. His chin was mashed to his chest and he didn't seem real interested in moving. The tech even dumped my bed halfway upside down and poked him a bunch, but all he did was swat the air (or amniotic fluid, rather) as if to say, " 'Ey! I'm sleepin' in heeyah!" He is our son already.

He's measuring ahead on his head and torso but short on his legs, and therefore I can already tell he has Dan's  body. Long torso, stumpy legs, big head.

I am so in love with my son it's ridiculous. I wish it wasn't 5 months until I can hold him in my arms, but I know since this is the only pregnancy we plan on having I better cherish all the kicks and even the discomfort because it will be over before I know it.

Now all the fun shopping can begin!

SKELETOR! I love his little eye up there.

Wavin' his lil butt in the air. I can't wait to pinch that little tushy.

Ahh, help me!

I am doing everything to get this day to go by faster. Note to self: DO NOT KILL TIME AT THE GROCERY STORE! When you do this you walk outta there with an $80 tab, and enough pent up aggression to contemplate bitch slapping the middle aged woman in line at the checkout behind you.

I had a cart full of stuff. Ol' cowbag behind me slapped a divider on the conveyor belt when I had three items up there, so when the belt would advance I'd have to push all her crap back just to fit my stuff up there. I had to do this probably 87 times before I was done. She also was standing so close to me I could swear she was gonna lick my ear, yet she had her nose in her pocketbook, not the slightest bit concerned all her shizz was in my way. She was not old and senile, so don't go "Jeeze Lindsey, you're being a bit of a snatchbasket." No no...no, she was not a cute little old lady, the kind I have a soft spot for. She was the brand of "eccentric crazy woman who probably pisses off most everyone she encounters cuz she's so flipping rude" middle aged old.

And Pickle kicked me hard just now. Guess they're saying:

You beat that horse, Mister. Beat it!

So I bought funfetti cupcakes, cream cheese frosting and pink and blue frosting gel to announce whether it's a boy or a girl after tomorrow's ultrasound. I'm sending them to work with Dan so he can play Proud Papa, beam and brag all day. Everyone will slap him on the back and possibly buy him lunch. Or at least a soda or something. 

And I got my maternity support band in the mail. This thing... *sigh*. I think I'm in love. It touches me in all the right ways. And by that I mean it put my back into alignment again. It has been feeling like I'd been donkey punched in the arse, and the pain was starting to shoot down both legs. Sleeping has been hell also. Hopefully this will help. And I can FINALLY go back to the gym. 

Anyone else ever noticed "hallelujah" is an incredibly weird word?

Kicking!

I've been feeling Pickle's movement off and on for several weeks now. It started with flutters and feeling like a goldfish was swimming in my stomach. That was an incredibly weird sensation, and the first real physical evidence (save the ultrasounds) that proved I had a little person in there.

Well now at 18 weeks Pickle is kicking up a storm. I've felt them from the outside already multiple times, to the point Dan can feel them also. It's so reassuring to know Pickle is moving around in there and from everything we've seen so far, is totally healthy. I'm still paranoid that the medication I was on before I knew I was pregnant will somehow cause damage (Google is NOT your friend, Dr Pham has assured me time and again the likelihood it caused any issues is so slim, but I can't help but worry). For now it's a nice distraction from all that worry to just be happy with those magical little kicks.

Still waiting for my maternity support band, which is taking forever to get here from Amazon. I haven't worked out in over a week and it's making me feel bloated and lazy, but my belly is big enough at this point that the bouncing from walking on the treadmill pulls on the ligaments in the sides of my stomach and causes a significant amount of discomfort.

Big anatomy scan in two days. I have several errands to run and some chores to do today that will hopefully make the day go by quickly. I'll have to figure out something for tomorrow so I don't sit here twiddling my thumbs, watching the clock and making the day slow to a crawl in anticipation.

Whatta day!

Today, I decided, would be the mother of all cleaning days in an attempt to rid our house of what has been an ongoing flea problem.

I did WAY too much.

I made new batches of eco-safe cleaner, boiled cloves and cinnamon sticks to make homemade fabric freshener (went to pour the first batch into another container while straining, and was so tired I simply poured it through the strainer into the bottom of the sink and down the drain, not realizing what I was doing until the pan was empty), then stripped the sectional of all it's cushion covers and washed them (16 huge cushions that are down filled is SUCH a pain in the arse to hand pluck clean), took all the drapes down and washed them, cleaned all the window edging and sills, stripped the bed, remade the bed, washed the giant mats in the bathroom, washed the kitchen sink rug, swept the bathroom and kitchen, vacuumed and edged the baseboards...it felt never-ending. It's 6:09pm...I started at 10am.

This diatomaceous earth shit better work on getting rid of these fleas, given the price tag and the amount of super pregnant elbow-grease I put into cleaning everything I could.

Speaking of price tags, what is it with men being toilet paper wasters? Seriously? If I live to be a hundred I will never fully grasp why a man needs a roll and a half of TP to use the bathroom.

First post

I haven't blogged in a very long time. I actually deleted all of my old blog because it had been so long and frankly, I'm a totally different person now. Two years will do that to you.

Me, 7th birthday party. Yep, I was a dork!

Dan in grade school

In the last two years I got out of a very tumultuous off and on relationship of 6 years, and reconnected with a guy I've known since 2nd grade. We were in the same group of friends, especially in 5th grade. It's fun to reminisce (especially since we had the same teacher that year, Mrs. Bishop, who we both hated and called "Mrs. Bitch-op". We were foul mouthed even at 10-11, what can I say? Not a lot has changed.

Anyway, I'd had a string of bad short-lived relationships after the ex and I split, so when Dan asked me out I said yes but wasn't sure I should even go.

The night of the date rolled around and I was just exhausted, I'd had insomnia after being laid off from the pharmacy where I was a technician. I asked him if we could meet a little earlier, he said of course. I'd learn later he was so looking forward to our date that he'd taken off of work early to go get a haircut, shower and get all prettied up for me. He'd wanted to ask me out for a couple months but the one time he mustered the courage to ask me out I had just started seeing someone (for all of 3 weeks, whooh!) and then had a bad incident with another guy from high school. So when he saw a Facebook update that said, "Never date the guy from high school you thought was cool but in reality is a total douche" he figured that wasn't the best time either. So he waited another month and finally after a night of his weekly pool league and a couple drinks he emailed me at midnight (thinking I wasn't up) and said, "Hey, this is totally random but I find you really interesting and was wondering if I could take you out sometime?" Lucky me and my insomnia I was up and saw it right away and replied. He said he froze when he got such a quick response and was sure it said "No." We set a date for that Friday, and all I can say is that day turned out to be the one that would change my life in so many ways, all for the better.

Needless to say, when he arrived and I saw him round the car in the parking lot and he came walking towards me I became seriously jell-o-kneed. He looked sexy as hell in a rocker tee and tight in all the right places Levis. He had sexy little glasses on too, and if it weren't for my self control I'd have probably jumped on him against the nearest vehicle right there in the parking for God and everyone to see. But instead I played it cool. We had a great dinner then went to see a movie. I wanted him to grab my hand or touch me, I kept giving signals I wanted him to, but nada. He later told me he was so intimidated, he thought I was way too cool for him and there was no way I liked him. He took me home and since he didn't say anything really and didn't look at me I mumbled if he wanted to get in touch my number was on my Facebook profile and he could get it that way (it was pretty late by this point). I thought he didn't like me at all. I still tease him for not even looking at me when he dropped me off. Poor guy, he was crippled!

Well, he sent me a text the next day saying he had a great time, and that was the start of us being pretty much inseparable. We kissed for the first time about a week later and no one had ever kissed me like that in my life, I kinda wobbled when we separated (which was mighty embarrassing). I pretty much decided right then he was mine and there was no way I was letting him get away. We fell in love really quickly, when two people connect like that there's no reason to deny it. We have a connection that is just cellular, I can sense how he's feeling when he's 30 miles away from me at work. I find it funny I told people I was in love with them before him, because I really don't see how that was love anymore. But I also realize most people aren't as lucky as Dan and I are to experience this genuine unconditional love that so rarely happens (not that we're always schmoopy dorks, I call him four-eyes and he calls me snaggletooth, we can be what most people would find pretty mean and un-pc around our own home). We were married December 20th, 2009 in a very intimate ceremony with just our family present.

Dan was so tired, look at those purple bags under his eyes!

I know people say "I will never get divorced" but to me it's just an unspoken certainty. I can't fathom not ever loving this man. I can only imagine my already overwhelming love for him will grow even more once our child is here. We tried so hard for this baby, had several heartbreaking losses and had completely stopped trying when we were pleasantly surprised by a positive pregnancy test upon a trip to the doctor after I got a concussion. Pregnancy tests are standard in women of childbearing age before undergoing a head CT. I thought it was

We have baby!

pretty special actually that not only did we both find out at exactly the same instant but we both were not expecting it at all. It took a few days to sink in it was real, and we were basket cases through the first trimester. Oh, and I skipped that head CT by the way; the doctor was hell bent on getting me to do it, but I said no way, this baby is getting a fighting chance and there wasn't enough evidence to support getting one and risking exposing the baby to all that radiation. The day was July 14th, 2009, I can still remember the date within even stopping to think.

16 weeks 5 days

I am 18 weeks along today and we have our gender scan next Wednesday the 27th to find out if Dan "put the stem on the apple". We really want a boy because this is the only biological child we plan on having, and there is an awful lot of female cancers in our family. Of course we will be thrilled with whatever we get, but to quote Steel Magnolias "I know he wants a son so bad he can taste it." I guess we shall see, stay tuned!